18 5 / 2013
So, a couple days ago, my dad comes over and tell me that he won’t be going to the ren faires anymore and that he was returning the faire clothes that Aaron’s step-dad let him use. I didn’t really ask why though. Then today, Aaron’s step-dad, Beau, asks me if I know what’s up with my dad and that my mom has kicked him out. I had no idea that happened, so I texted my mom and my brother to see what was up. Apparently he “was fucking some bitch” (my mothers words) at the faire site so she kicked him out. I guess he’s going to live with his sister up in Vegas or something like that.
I’m not even mad. I’m just disappointed. Like, really dad? You, my mom, my brother, and the cat are all cramped up in a tiny RV with no job (besides my brother’s minimum age target job) and you go and do a stupid thing like cheat on my mom? Was it worth it dad? Was it really worth it? What are you doing. I mean, seriously. If you weren’t happy with being with mom then why not just leave. I mean, it’s either stay in the cramped RV and try and make things better, leave, or get caught cheating (for the umpteenth time) and get kicked out.
I love my dad, but he can be so stupid at times. I feel so bad for my mom. Hopefully everything turns out for the better. Because we really need it right now.
17 5 / 2013
I’m going to start changing.
I’m going to start working out and eating better. I’ve already eliminated soda from my every day life (16 days without so far). I’m uncomfortable with how I look no matter what people tell me. Yes, I’m not fat, but I am still uncomfortable with how I look and I’m going to change that. I want to love how I look. I want to love myself. And right now, I think that by working out, becoming healthier, and slimming up a little bit will help me achieve that.
I’ve got a few diet/workout plans for me to try and follow.
This is going to be the start of my diet. I’m going to cut out all the junk food in my life. It’s going to be extremely difficult, but I’m lucky I have such great friends who will be voluntold to help me stick to this. Okay. Maybe not all the junk because sometimes a girl just needs her chocolate. And restaurants are still in because I don’t visit those very often.
The next part of my new routine will be the planking challenge.
It may be more than just 12 days because planking is hard if you’re out of shape. So I’m probably just going to start with 30 seconds twice a day for the first day and then go up from there.
I’m also going to be writing more, hopefully. I would like to start writing more. I want to write a book someday. Even if it’s never published, I would like the accomplishment.
Here’s to a better life. :)
04 5 / 2013
11 4 / 2013
21 3 / 2013
A long time ago, the only things that existed were the gods of the four main elements (fire, earth, air, and water) and a giant, bright yellow dragon. Fihula was the goddess of fire. Ealeo was the god of earth. Ainipo was the god of air. Wapahoa was the goddess of waters. The dragon, Lonoilu, was a fiery, ill-tempered god who hated with a passion being around the other gods. He felt as though they were trying to rid him of the universe that they all shared together. Lonoilu wanted to be the supreme ruler, he wanted to control everything and he realized that he couldn’t do that.
Fihula and Wapahoa teased Lonoilu by saying that Lonoilu was only good for shining light on anything that they created or destroyed. Lonoilu became enraged at this and, when the other gods were resting, he stole a piece from each of their elements and created a world in which he named Earth. Overjoyed, he molded Earth in what he thought was a perfect way. Earth was a solid chunk of mud, sand, and stone. Once Lonoilu crafted if to be perfectly spherical, he covered the whole thing in water. Remembering his hatred for Fihula, Ealeo, Ainipo, and Wapahoa, he filled the center of his new world with liquid fire.
When the other gods woke up, the noticed they had been robbed and went to confront Lonoilu. They mocked his new creation. They told him nothing good would come of it. A world covered in water couldn’t hold any form of life. As they made fun of Lonoilu and his world, they tore it apart. Ealeo pulled the ground up from under the water and made some parts tall, pointed, and jagged. He pulled up other parts of the ground and had it plateau for miles. Wapahoa pushed the water out of the flatness that Ealeo created, making the center of it very dry. Ainipo took gusts of air and pushed the water around, making the calm of the water near the mountains and flats slosh up against it and pull away many times, created the water around the world to do the same and continue it. Fihula boiled the fiery insides of the earth and pushed veins of the fire upwards and out the tips of the pointed grounds.
All of this made Lonoilu very angry so with all of his might he went forward to try and fight the other gods. However, Lonoilu was no match by himself, and the other gods easily fought back. As the fighting subdued and Ealeo and Ainipo constrained Lonoilu, Wapahoa and Fihula noticed something on the earth below. Beings were rising up out of the blood that was spilled from the gods. Lonoilu still had some strength in him and demanded to be let to name them. Ealeo told the other gods that they should let Lonoilu name the beings on one condition: Lonoilu had to create day and night by forever staying above the earth. He had to fly around the earth so that all the beings would be able to see at certain points in time. They all agreed and Lonoilu named them humans and has stayed above the earth ever since.
The purpose of this Hawaiian myth is to tell a story on how the world and humanity was created. It’s for elders to tell to their young in hopes that they tell it to their young for generations. This myth addresses a greater god/world giant type of creation and also a primal substance type of creation. The greater god/world giant type comes into play with the five gods that all have their blood spilled to create humanity. The primal substance type comes into play with the four main elements being the basic building blocks for the starting point for humanity and all that humanity would eventually create.
17 3 / 2013
A while ago, I was hanging out with two of my best friends at a restaurant. One of them asked if the three of us could all hang out because she had some news for us. She was depressed and was going to see a therapist soon and wanted to let us know. I have so much love and respect for her and some jealously, too. She’s getting the help she needs and I’m just sitting here all alone in a dark corner of my mind. When she told us that, I took a deep breath and texted Aaron. I told him that I needed to tell him something. Something I should probably voice to him, but wouldn’t be able to in a million years. I said I’d write it down for him someday. Here’s that day. I don’t know when I’ll tell Aaron about this. Maybe I won’t have to. Maybe he’ll just remember Tumblr someday and see this. I’m not sure enough or strong enough to tell him about it just yet, but I’ll get there. For now, it’ll be here.
I don’t want to diagnose myself, because I’m not a doctor or anything but I’m sad. I’m not the positive, upbeat, smiley person that everyone around me sees. I’m really, really not. I’m sad. I’m negative. I’m introverted. I have very little self-esteem. All I want to do every day is hide in bed and cry. It takes so much out of me to do minimal effort on everyday tasks like shower and get dressed in something that isn’t pajamas. I don’t want to hang out with my friends, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to go to school and participate in anything. I’m exhausted, all the time. I’m a tired that sleep can’t fix. All I want to do is eat junk food. It’s getting harder to not be angry with the people around me. They all seem to live so much better lives than I do. Especially my friends. They don’t have to pay rent, they do better in school than me, they seem to be connecting more with each other than with me, they’re pretty and smart and eating right and have motivation, they’re getting tattoos and piercings and dental work and health help and the most that I can seem to do is slowly seep by day by day. It’s not fair and I hate it and I hate them even though they’re my friends and I love them and it’s not their fault.
I used to cut myself. On my forearms and sometimes the upper arm that was hidden by t-shirt sleeve back in middle school and into my freshman year of high school. I stopped when I got a boyfriend during my freshman year. I think I was embarrassed or something because he was a senior and I was just an annoying little freshman. I thought for some reason that if he ever saw the cuts that he’d just make fun of me and wouldn’t like me anymore. I felt pathetic for doing it even though it made me feel better. I didn’t want to be like the other kids who cut, though. They got teased and ridiculed. I was just trying to get by. I moved a lot and sometimes didn’t know if I’d be at the same place the next night. I needed an escape of some sort, and cutting then was what did it. When I stopped, I had plenty of urges to start up again but I didn’t. I guess it’s a feat on its own, but I started feeling worse afterwards, I had all this pent up anger and sadness and fear and all different kinds of emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with. And I still do. I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like I’m just excluding myself from everything. I feel like a ticking time bomb.
Aaron says that for someone who has sat by and comforted friends as they’ve battled break ups and depression and psychotic exes, been molested, and lived in more houses, apartments, motels, hotels, and friends’ houses that can be counted and both hands and feet, I’m an extremely strong person. I, however, do not always think so. I’m breaking. I feel as though the days are going by so slowly and all of them are fading into each other. All I want to do is sit down and cry and let everything blubber out and be comforted by my friends like I comfort them. I just want them to know everything that goes on in my head without me having to tell them anything. I want them to hear my silent cries for help. I want for my head to not be filled with such terrible things. I just want everything to be over and done with. I don’t feel very strong. I feel weak and lame and helpless and useless.
I don’t even feel like anything is real. When I got my first and current job, I thought I’d be ecstatic. Like OMGIGOTAJOBIMSONERVOUSANDSCAREDANDHAPPYWHATDOIDO? But no. It didn’t hit and it still hasn’t hit. It’s just a part of my monotonous routine. I wake up, go to school/work, go home, go to sleep. Wake up, go to school/work, home, sleep. Wake up, school/work, home, sleep. And money. Money is the same way. Even though my world revolves around it and things I need it for, it doesn’t impact me in the way it impacts everyone else. When I get paid, I get paid. It doesn’t register in my brain as I get to use this to continue living. It’s just there.
I’m tired and irritable and it’s affecting a lot of things. I want to be happy and healthy and smart and good but I have no motivation, no umph, no jazz. I’m lazy and I procrastinate and all I want to do is sleep the day away and not do anything. I want everything to be perfect but I don’t want to have to do anything in order for it to get that way. I want it to all be lined up for me and I know that it’s not the way that works and that upsets me (which is highly stupid) and it just makes me feel worse about myself.
I don’t really know why I feel like this day in and day out. Some days, however, are good days. I feel a little better, a little happier. And sometimes for two or three days I’ll feel okay. I have a lot of trouble sleeping. On the days where I feel a little better about myself, half an hour is the maximum time it takes for me to get comfortable and fall asleep. It usually takes me about an hour to fall asleep sometimes. There’s just so much running through my head at the end of the day. There are what ifs and conversations, recreations of conversations and scenarios, scary movies deciding to pop up a make it harder for me to sleep because I think someone is about to kill me, and even some random happy thoughts thrown into the mix. Every night is a different story. I want to say that my feeling down started somewhere around 6th grade, because when I think about it, that’s about as far back as I can remember being sad and down so who knows. All I know is that I’m scared and tired and lost.
Aaron, if/when you read this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. But can I ask one thing from you? I’m not ready to talk out about this. I’d rather just keep it here in writing. I don’t want to talk about this. Just give me a hug or something. Try to understand that I’m not an okay person. I love you. I really do. I just need time and help and acceptance. You really are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’m so sorry that I fuck our relationship up so much. You are my rock. I need you. You make me feel better. Some days, you make it a lot harder on me, but I’ll always forgive you. It’s not your fault I’m like this. You’re just confused and angry with me and I understand. I am too. I’ll get better someday, somehow. I don’t know how, but I’ll find a way.
11 3 / 2013
Not ours, but the Pomona Daily Bulletin. :D
“Logan Houck, of Azusa 9, takes aim with help from Brianna Shaw, 20 of San Diego, at the 11th annual Los Angeles County Irish Fair and Celtic Music Festival at the Fairplex in Pomona March 10, 2013. (Thomas R. Cordova/Staff Photographer)”
I love teaching archery.
10 12 / 2012
Happy birthday to me. :)
11 9 / 2012
(First some back story: Last week, I was sitting in the cafeteria when this girl comes and sits down next to me with the rest of the nerd table. She has a big Twilight lunchbox that nobody says anything about but decides she has to explain how much she hates Twilight and thinks that they’re just big sparkling gay fairies. After some debate about vampires between her and the three-four nerds at the table she tells us that she’s “technically a vampire. Or, a day-walker really. Well, actually an aura.” She has now earned the name Vampire Girl.)
I was sitting in the cafeteria at Mesa waiting for Annie to get out of class when I see vampire girl. She and her friend put their stuff down at a table near the nerd tables, and sticks both of her hands into her pants and fixes her underwear. Back and front.
I guess it’s just one of those days.
04 9 / 2012
(and I’m too lazy to put it on paper. xD)
The $8/month plan works with Anita Verma in Poway.
Once my financial aid comes in I’m gunna go back to her, talk to her about my dental plan, and see what the new (hopefully still not $4000) estimate is for fixing my teeth.